My nipple is on Facebook.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
He had one of those small greek statue penises
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
