My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
