Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Randomize
