I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
