Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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