So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
