I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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