actually, I'm a sock model
i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
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