update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
