It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
Randomize
