i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
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