Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
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