No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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