Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize