I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
Randomize
