I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
