You made me cry and you don't even care
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize