I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
Randomize
