There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Writing my paper on freud at bar
??
Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children
Smooth
I wish I could punch you in the face.
we have pet lesbian snakes
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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