dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
Found your dick twin last night
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Randomize
