tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
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