I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Randomize
