We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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