Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
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