a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Randomize
