my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
Randomize
