I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
