Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Randomize
