I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
Update: it wasn't just our driver. This ticket confirms that the Royal Oak PD also found our behavior on the party bus to be "Lewd and Indecent."
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
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