Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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