and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
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