i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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