Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
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