All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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