new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Randomize
