apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
We were destined to go to rehab together
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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