Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
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