Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Randomize