Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
