seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize