I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Randomize