last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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