I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
Randomize
