This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
