I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Randomize
