i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
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