well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
