John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
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