I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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