Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
i don't mind that he's uncut. i like it! it's like a little sweater!
a cock doensn't need a sweater! especially a skin sweater! wtf.
That's like some buffalo bill hannibal lector shit.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Randomize
