I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
Sober January is a disaster.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize
