Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
