someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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