I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Randomize
