well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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