Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
hey, when you wake up, search yourself on youtube
my sister already found it, were watching it right now. i give it 2 thumbs up.
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
Randomize
