Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
