someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
