Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Randomize
