just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
