He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Randomize
