p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
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