The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
So... i mean if they do have cameras in his apartment buildings pool room atleast we gave them a little show.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
Randomize
