I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
Randomize
