Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
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